In Which Kara Attempts the Impossible

(Why, yes, Kara does like talking about herself in the third person, however did you guess?)

(And yes, she has recently decided that she’s going to revive her old Facebook Page. If you “like” it, it’ll make her super happy.)

(Also: This post was inspired by Emily @ The Loony Teen Writer’s “Book-Buying Ban” Post. Kara felt like she needed to credit her for her awesome-tacular blog posts.)

WARNING: This post will contain insane levels of sarcasm and satire.

Excerpt from: Kara’s Book of Library Adventures:

The girl stood at the edge of the stairs, waiting. The rows of bookshelves loomed before her, tantalizing in their colours and shapes. She shouldn’t. She really shouldn’t. She had a massive pile of to-be-read books already sitting at home, waiting for her, but the forbidden allure of the library books was just too much for her to handle. She stepped down the first stair. And then the second. And then the third.

She paused. Looked up at the plaster clown-face that hung right above the stairs, its ever-present grin making her shiver.* Now she just wanted to get down the rest of the stairs so she wouldn’t have to look at it any longer. Her stomach tightened. It had always reminded her of the Joker, only this vague impersonation had a much larger, and uglier, nose. She felt slightly nauseous, though she couldn’t tell whether that was from the plaster clown head or all the Turkish bread** she ate beforehand. In any case, there was only one solution to her problem: Hike down the rest of the stairs to the books.

Before she knew it, she was at the bottom, panting.***

She now stood before the rows and rows of Young Adult books, her greatest weakness. The sea of books stretched out endlessly before her, and —

And then she saw it. The Intern by Gabrielle Tozer. It sat nestled between books she’d already read, its black-and-white spine standing out brilliantly against the other books. She’d wanted this one for awhile, now. Had seen it floating around the interwebs, saying, “Read me! Read me!” but she had resisted… until now. She stretched out a shaking hand, heart hammering. Everything blurred around her, until nothing else mattered, nothing, but that book. When she held it in her hands it was like holding solid happiness. She could have stopped there — she should have stopped there, but she didn’t.

The next twenty minutes passed in a blur as she picked up another eight books. Eight.

And that was how her mother found her, sobbing dramatically over a pile of books she couldn’t even carry with two hands. Her mother offered a bright green cloth bag, and said, “I think you need help.”

She had never been more right. ****

*Really. In my library there’s this clown-like thingy attached to the wall above the stairs. I think it’s supposed to be endearing or something, but it’s rather disturbing. I should take a picture of it. Or not.

** Seriously. That stuff is amazing.

*** She should probably do some more exercise.

**** Not that she would ever admit this out loud. Her mother is right far too often.

Book Addiction: A Real Story

Girl, 17, was rushed to hospital late Sunday afternoon at a horrendous experience at her local library. She was found by her mother sobbing over the eight books she really shouldn’t have borrowed from the library. After further investigation, this newspaper has achieved an exclusive on the matter: The victim in question already has seven books she has yet to read — and the matter is worsening still. Next morning, she found she’d won an online competition, meaning yet another book is on its way to this troubled seventeen-year-old’s doorstep.

The library in question declines comment at this point in time.

Australian researchers have discovered a disturbing growth in a trend that affects book-nerdy teens. “They are borrowing and buying books, even when they already have plenty in their to-be-read list,” said one spokesman from the Book Addiction Association (or the BAA). “It’s really quite frightening, when you look at it: these teens have no willpower of their addiction. They buy and borrow more books, fully aware of the consequences.”

But the BAA has made it clear that Book Addiction does only affect young adults. Fully grown adults, too, have been known to suffer from the condition. One woman, who has chosen to remain anonymous, told the newspaper that Book Addiction was “taking over my life; I was so engrossed in a book yesterday I forgot to feed my kids!” Not only does Book Addiction affect an individual, but the people around them, too.

The spokesman from the BAA said yesterday, after the frightening incident with the seventeen-year-old, “We strongly urge people to come forward if you have this addiction. Book Addiction is a serious condition which affects many people, and needs to be treated before it gets out of hand.” Below, the newspaper have supplied a list of symptoms of Book Addiction. “If you, or anyone you know, has been displaying these symptoms, get help,” said the BAA spokesman. “Get help before their life is ruined.”

Yet it is not all over for the teenage girl rushed to hospital yesterday. She’s been given a strict ban on borrowing books until she’s finished every book she’d borrowed over the past weeks, effective immediately. She has a long and difficult road ahead of her, but with the right support and physiological treatment, she will recover completely. You could say, she’s taking a leaf out of a new book.

Are you or anyone else you know is displaying these symptoms? Seek help immediately. 

— Staying up beyond a reasonable time to finish a book

— Not able to limit the amount of books you borrow from a library/buy from a store

— Having the intense desire to go to a library when you are in the area

— Crying over fictional characters/events

— Intense anger at having read an unsatisfying book and/or flinging it across the room in frustration

— Mentally “dating” a fictional character, or wishing your boyfriend was more like [Insert character name here]

— Stalking people’s blogs and/or searching through other people’s Stacking the Shelves posts

— Irrational anger that the Australian version of the book cover is almost always worse than the U.S edition

— Smelling new books and/or caressing recent purchases

— Becoming so anti-social you can’t remember what day it is

— Missing important events because of books and/or lack of outside activity

— A strong desire to pummel anyone who says movies are better than books, because they are clearly wrong

This is my first attempt at a satire-esque post. I had so much fun while writing this, but let me know what you thought of this post in the comments!  



13 thoughts on “In Which Kara Attempts the Impossible

  1. I laughed so hard at this, ohmygosh. I do believe I have a rather serious case of BAA, and I DO NOT plan on getting help ;). It’s much more fun hoarding books (my mother did once ban me from reading Harry Potter once. It was awful).

  2. *raises hand guiltlily* I think I just diagnosed myself as suffering from this condition. At the point where you were sobbing with piles of books because you couldn’t carry them all? Realisation dawned upon me. I HAVE THIS DISEASE. *stares guiltily at TBR of 16 books*

    Haha, but I loved this post! Awesome job, Kara. ;)

  3. This is awesome!! I am quite delighted by the use of sarcasm, because these days blogs tend to forgo it :( But it’s quite funny and inventive *hands over virtual chocolate because awesome*

  4. This was the best post ever! Ahahaha. So funny and clever! I was literally doubled over with laughter. I definitely suffer from Book Addiction because I show the majority of the symptoms. Luckily, my parents are strict when it comes to setting a limit on the amount of library books that I can borrow. My week is also split into two sections. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I must read nonfiction, and on Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays and Sundays I can read whatever I want.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s